"the earth isn't humming"

it's becoming quite impossible to keep track of everything, or rather, quite overwhelming to think of even attempting to do so.

obsessive
compulsive
completion
perfection

music
film
books
people....

in one sense having money makes it all so much easier, but really, just easier to consume and to forget to enjoy, think, experience, dwell...

simplify.

my current problem is sharing. you know the lesson we all learned at school... oh, wait. there's no we here. i didn't go school. i stayed home with brother and sister and mom and dad. usually there was enough to go around. in contrast, and though my memory is quite distorted, i imagine that the one word even the most casual observer would use is: conservatism. it wasn't just our family's political standing, our waste mangement policies, or our deep embarrassment of sex. it was our way living. if we could help it we'd go days without using anything more than a few grunts and nods to communicate. god forbid eye contact. i suppose this cause was extremely helped with us rarely leaving our rooms. if someone tried to talk to us we were usually to shocked to reply. even if we could, we were taught never to speak to strangers.

things that were not allowed:
pants with holes in them,
socks with holes in them,
food in bed ("you'll get bedbugs""But i promise i won't let them bite. Mom, please?" ...you're right, i never said that),
music,
thinking,
emotions

"we could disapear, in echoes... in the lives of those we love."