soon i will not feel a thing (how much less do you hurt me now).

so, yes. i am dead (and so cruel). i suppose i could be less depressing and tell you of all my wonderful adventures this weekend, this week, but somehow... i don't. i never do (to attempt to answer why will probably result in logical error). do you really believe that i am a dark and terrifying pessimist? is there no other way to see it? cannot my words here only be photographs of myself, self-portraits, and therefore two-dimentional (if that)? not all inclusive.

i say it is so.
do you believe me?

you can't swim in a town this shallow -- you will most assuredly drown tomorrow.

where does money come from?

i really just don't understand it. hmm, i wonder how much longer my car is going to stay together. i've gone 35,000 miles in 16 months. pretty crazy, i think. where do numbers come from, and why do i love them so?

i need to go to the store and get some cereal and then other... things. any suggestions?

i do want to mention that "24" gets 2 points for it's soundtrack and 5 points for using first, yo la tengo and then the icelandic atmospheric sigur ros. whom everyone should check out. roland got me into them a year ago, so beautiful. oh, right! They had two songs in vanilla sky! i meant say something last night sarah. you'll like them. and if you haven't seen vanilla sky, then go, go, go. it was sarah's idea so i'll quote her: "you feel like you die and then you come back to life again."

for the good of the city i'm off to forage for food.

it is now the middle of November, and the smell of Thanksgiving is in the air, which means that Christmas is waiting in the oven.

Being John M

so, yes. i really don't like when people put online quizes on their weblog. it's ridiculous in too many ways to explain, but this time.. it's John Cusack!! sorry. and hopefully you're more surprised with my results than i was.

p.s. - my thanks to cam for the tip. You just can't pass up something this good.


Which John Cusack Are You?

in other news.. i'm finding money all over the place but i keep forgetting that i owe my parents probably close to two grand. i still haven't written some thank you notes from christmas. good grief. The weekend looks decent, i think. you never know. still trying to get into hermann hesse and also back into tolkien. i need to find a good place to read. i need to drug steve so that he doesn't hear me walking around this creaky place. anyway, i need to get some food in my belly and then watch three hours of "24" (though part way through the third episode my heart will probably just explode from all the stress it's been under).

The gestation period for a baby opossum, friends and neighbors, is twelve days.

"your parallel viewers wait your decision"

It's late. i start to misspell things, greatly. I'm going to work daylight once school starts. it will be best for everything. Except b/t me and steve... though i'm sure he'll be happy i won't be tromping around at 4am. I'm so disagreeable lately. grumpy. emotional. very. practically given up on words. been into films more than anything recently... more than music, reading, people even. sunday night i was more than half convinced to run away from every little thing, move somewhere quiet out west and just live simply. no more cell phone, no more computer, maybe not even a car... but i always just have this dream to travel through central america by car one day, which would have to happen sooner than later (a bit worried about all the political turmoil the americas have been going through, plus i think i'm just being native in thinking they have highways and gas stations all the down through chile).

the point: to express my inability to communicate (especially via e-mail) due to an extreme loss for words.

hearts & bones

i've just been feeling progressively worse this week. Physically and then that's been running into my mental state... or perhaps it's the other way around. Just feeling run down and defeated. I need food and sleep. Been getting eight hours a night, but if that's not combined with nutrition...

Did get to see The Thin Red Line last night, which was absolutely fantastic. Not for everybody, not your everyday war movie. But so beautiful, my heart got caught in my throat. Fell asleep to the wonderful strains of Hans Zimmer.

This weekend will be for relaxing. It's supposed to rain, which is fine. i'm going to try to stick around, clean up my room, get some e-mails and thank you notes written.

wait it out, it can't last forever

what you're impressed by, i get depressed by
(or: well, now that i'm old...)

i want to be young again. i want to make nests out of blankets in my bed and sleep in them. i want to reroute streams in the woods. imagine things bigger than they are. make supermarkets out of flour. it's odd. My boss (who is forty-something) told me he wished he was my age today. one of those moments where i could see through time. i could see myself forty-something. and what will have changed?

i'm very tired.
i'm tired of working the night shift.
same old, same old...

everything that rises must converge

Storm

i can't believe i'm having such battle with myself about taking the day off. money, money, money.

had a somewhat of a heated exchange between an old roommate the other night. I just really get incensed when people say that money is no object to them. good, it shouldn't be, but you can say that only because you have money. that is a luxury that most americans afford. I was like that while i was at home. and now, even after all the recent close calls and current lack of funds, i take a lot for granted. True, i see things differently now, but i still have my cell phone (true, it's the only phone i use, but still...), i still have my computer, my stereo, my car... etc., etc. There's food too, which sometimes i just want to throw up because how disgusted i feel with it all. anyway, i usually don't say anything, b/c i'm too hot-headed and don't think clearly in the heat of the moment, but i did, and then later he apologized being arrogant, is the word i think he used, and then so did i, for being impulsive.

but today... i'm going to get out of here and read, maybe drive around... it's real nice today (60F). pictures? we'll see. will probably a rent a movie for the first time in absolute ages, probably Ghost World (at least). Hopefully steve will go to bed early tonight.

But Marcus wasn't really listening. He was too overcome by Ellie -- by her style, and her beauty, and her ability to beat people up -- to pay attention to what she was saying.

Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas To Heaven

i'm declaring today responsibility-free day.
sorry kimmy,
sorry one and all.

------
He always did things on his own, so he had never bothered even thinking about whether there was a choice. That was the trouble with Ellie: he was frightened that when and if he didn't see her anymore, he'd still be aware that there were choices, but it wouldn't do him any good because he wouldn't be able to get at them, and his whole life would be ruined.

- Nick Hornby, About a Boy

What time is it there?

for some reason, i am still up. for some reason i'm not writing an e-mail that i very well should be. the latter can be explained away with simply saying that i needed to write something here today.

something equals anything
equals
nothing

like foxes through fences

After just watching The Bread, My Sweet for the second time, i crave refined sugar (shit). No, i have not been eating better. Sadly i've been sacrificing my body for the surprisingly limitless world of indie film, and also in hopes that i may one day get my hands on some 'new' music. Been a bit addicted to vinyl recently, which is really no good, because my collection at the moment is quite limited.

Pretty disconnected, has been the general feeling lately. No e-mail. No christmas thank you notes. No television. No real conversation. just silence, vinyl, occasional flock of birds, perhaps a jet engine and now the keyboard.

Nice things: i did get off work tonight early so i may continue the streak of good sleep nights, that have occured this week. i also got $50 from the grandparents. Shows (to happen within the next month or too): rainer maria, pedro the lion/daimen jurado, mogwai. Perhaps that rebate check will become more than a dream.