it's a double-edged sword

I guess i was tired last "night" b/c i wrote stuff while thinking about other stuff and assuming you were reading that as well. Like my destination: home; Richmond, VA. Days i'll be gone: from friday morning until tuesday evening. Things so concrete in my mind i don't consider them plans (i consider them absolutes): friday night @ the improv with brother (on his intiative! two points!), and lunch with cousin matthew (that actually is a 'plan' b/c it's really not certain).

p.s. if you are in pittsburgh at all this week/weekend/week (again) go see The Bread, My Sweet! It's utterly delicious (pun was semi-intended). it's playing at the harris theater on liberty ave. near the point. if you want specifics go to the Pittsburgh Filmmakers webpage. I saw it over the weekend. It's set in pittsburgh along the strip. Involves two italian families (who speak english... brad@!) and good food. Only the most dedicated cynic could not love this film. I'm thinking about even seeing again when i get back. the area is a little scary at night so either be careful, go with a group, or go on the weekend when they have daylight showtimes. enjoy.

Blah!

So i leave friday morning. if i get some sleep (and a mixtape made [for myself, of course]) and clean out the car and get my car inspected, etc., etc. hence the 'title' (plus it's slightly a inside joke).

I have no idea how things are going to go. just meaning: I have no real plans or lists. I guess i could be more informative but i really should be asleep.

the imaginary dead guy was right

It really is out there though. It really happens doesn't it. And we can lie here like we're helpless, like we're no help. We can say it's a shame and call it a night.

But really...

- Michael Wilson

he was loved for not being Simon more than he had ever been loved simply for being himself.

just found out that the wonderful neil gaiman has a deliciously personal website, complete with a journal and a regularly updated (aside from technical difficulties) faq section. I'm not a big fan of promoting personal favorites, but you should really read neverwhere. Quite perfectly amazing.

musicians are cowards

listening to the red house painters, so 'early' in the morning. so simply wonderful.

We may be through with the past, but the past isn't through with us

most things considered, you were a terrible day

seems like everything causes me to burn with rage or just feel hopelessly overwhelmed.
i have been convinced, if not paranoid, that world is against me for as long as i've been out on my own. today did nothing but breed the growing fear that someone is going to come into school/work and kill us all. I want so badly to just forget it all, all, all (!!!) and stay in bed, happily for a long, long time. no more worries! damnit! i just really am too devistated to try and get up (or censor myself, apparently).

p.s. - how about death cab for cutie did a cover of bjork's all is full of love. reminder: i could get that cd at the Death & Disemberment show 'tonight' but oops, i have negative $68.18 in my name. i' m going unleash the full potential of my stir-crazy-self upon those at the bank that find it fun to destroy laughter.

i guess it would be silly to try and go through what made this weekend so great because i'd probably just interrupt myself with terrible news of some kind. either way the whole thing would be cast in such a dark shade of grey it wouldn't shine through.

so let's release some of this pent up hostility. there's my car which i have to get inspected this weekend... costing money. insurance bill, a week late. steve: you starve yourself while i order out, go to florida, go to work only when i feel like it, never do dishes, never clean up without annoucing it a week in advance, and never clean the litter box. Hmm, i suppose i shouldn't use never, but i feel better when i do. that's what counts these days. saddness.

i was happy today. promise. So happy. but work has really been troublesome. people quiting without notice, has just left me useless when it comes to thinking about others or being happy. plus i still just feel like there's no place called home.

the one positive point of this blog --
julia quoted me in her blog recently. just read it 'tonight' and it really just made me feel good. didn't really erase all the day's mistakes, but simply made things nicer. thanks so much.

p.s. ii - where did you go?

this will be the last time, this will be the last time, this will be the last time...

warped vinyl rock

well, after a magical weekend, jonathan's current flavor is:

distressed
about
the future,

destroyed,
overthinking
the past,

depressed
about
now

p.s. - go listen to beautiful julie doiron!

p.s. ii - like my fruitless acts that look like productivity?
organization... my anti-drug.
my
dream
less
sleep medicine.

will you still love me in december?

something's missing/i think i forgot...
i came home tonight,
and found
mr. peanut butter

he was laughing
silently
in the middle of my floor

strangely
(hesitantly,
at first,
for i was feeling hurt)

i joined
in

they do everything so purposefully wrong, they just have to be right

That's sick jesse. sick, sick, sick.

I'm sick again for the third (or so) time in three months. ridiculous. I usually get sick maybe once a year. So, perhaps I'll take the hint and get some sleep and food before another sneeze destroys my ribcage... goodness. I should clean my room too. and maybe read all those books i have. Could be a potentially good weekend just need to be very laid back.

what am i doing?!

goodness, it's so coldplay in here.

the television will do all my breathing for me

after the longest work day of my current job i wish i was smart enough to go to bed now so that I can finally change the oil in my car after putting it off for so long.

Longing... for good conversation in person. Hmm, if i wasn't so damn selfish i might get more e-mails too. Actually, now that i think about it that longing was just to finally be able to purchase some good music, preferably vinyl. Been trying to get back into writing in my 'secret' journal a bit more, but then again, i've been trying to get back into brushing my teeth daily for the past three years or so.
And so on.

i ride through like a ghost ship in a storm

"...the last of the human freedoms: to choose ones attitude in any given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl

someday
i may be...

just not today

timequake

due to complications beyond all reason the below post was actually written only moments before... hence the comment on sleep scheduling.

i think i'm going to just stay over here for now, okay?

it's on.

seems my computer hates me... oh, right it's a machine, why shouldn't it. had a whole hell of a lot of witty things to to say about my newest additions to (and old veterans in) my little 'links' section but it ran away. maybe i'll re-enact the said post on a later date... either way you should check out notes from the downtimes. Probably best at 4am when all you've had anything to do with all 'day' are your own very irrational/rational unfunny thoughts bouncing all inside yourself. go ahead. laugh yourself to sleep.

p.s. - damien jurado has a blog + a nice (and finally) up-to-date site.

p.s. ii - I'm trying to get on a sleep schedule, promise.

swiming with you

ignore
ignore
ignore
i'll do it tomorrow

i won't hold my breath when i'm with you

depends
what you mean

depends
how you dream

reduce, re-use, recycle

with tired eyes, tired minds, tired souls, we slept

After I Was Thrown in the River and Before I Drowned

"Franklin was angry and took five or six of them in his mouth, crushing them, tossing them one after the other. The other dogs watched; none of them knew if squirrel-killing made them happy or not."

- dave eggers

honesty

has me boring
sleepless
and overloaded

we can't escape what we don't know.

oh my darling, when you smile it is like a song. And i can hear it now.

"belgian congo"

$#^%QT! i think i said i'd post on here tonight... i've been getting pretty lazy/self-involved. been a bit of an ogre about e-mailing people... okay, not even a bit. a lot. i'm not even able to apologize b/c if i really was sorry i would have written by now, right?

"oh, i ought to club them and eat their bones"

i probably can't lament enough (though) the amount of thoughts that slip by me each day. work has been a constant treasure hunt of the subconscious for burried memories... not all bad either... odd childhood imaginations, feelings, and impressions. weren't we wonderful. so simple. we could play with a bowl of flour for a good half an hour. tastes associated with certain memories....

in recent news i finished the fourth harry potter book yesterday morning. fantastic! ...unbelievable! as it's been said, each one gets better and better (as in more entertaining and self-involving). (you don't believe me. it's your loss) finished it in a week and a day or less. Couldn't go to sleep friday night, and ended up tragically finding the last page at eight o'clock saturday morning. again, unbelievable. those books get so into my head! had at least three nights of dreams that had something to do with magic or flying broomsticks or something. got my fix.

"tonight" was fairly social for me, but it was fairly accidental as well. was thinking about seeing the royal tenenbaums at the $3 theatre in bellevue but held for now, might just have to wait until it comes out on video... ha! anyway, it was nice to be around people that weren't steve or just to be without the chance of him coming around (stab, stab, stab). that situation has settled a little bit, but i still dislike him as a person.

"tomorrow" i have mixed plans... want to be as relaxed and contemplative as possible, but i can never get anything done during the week. okay, maybe i'll actually get out of bed at noon and write someone an e-mail and make up the shopping list for giant eagle and go to the store, get those things and bring them back (all in one day) all before work that day. that "sucess" will sugest to me that i don't need to worry about another thing all week, i've worked hard enough. sigh, anyway the day ("tomorrow") should culminate by the early evening when i hope to go down to pittsburgh and immerse myself into a nice little foreign, object animation film from the Czech republic. in all probability i will be filled with a strong sense of meaning, purpose and peace.. and you will be unable to reach me, if just for the ride home.

eureka

seeing that the olympics are almost a week old and that none of you saw them this is perhaps a post better wasted on a less sleepless night... nevertheless you should check out this site: b-may. has some fairly intriguing (mainly b/c he was there and he wrote about it) commentary on his working at this year's winter games. fun.