lo siento

...

i had forgotten.

15' 5"
(don't wait up)

gone a bit too out of my head and into my subconscious...
going to take a few days to repress it all
see you then...

�The interior life is often stupid. Its egoism blinds it and deafens it; its imagination spits out ignorant tales, fascinated. It fancies that the western wind blows on the Self, and leaves fall at the feet of Self for a reason, and people are watching. A mind risks real ignorance for the sometimes paltry prize of an imagination enriched. The trick of reason is to get the imagination to seize the actual world-if only from time to time. - An American Childhood by Annie Dillard

goldenwest

i
am not so
strong
...

expand... i have space

"the earth isn't humming"

it's becoming quite impossible to keep track of everything, or rather, quite overwhelming to think of even attempting to do so.

obsessive
compulsive
completion
perfection

music
film
books
people....

in one sense having money makes it all so much easier, but really, just easier to consume and to forget to enjoy, think, experience, dwell...

simplify.

my current problem is sharing. you know the lesson we all learned at school... oh, wait. there's no we here. i didn't go school. i stayed home with brother and sister and mom and dad. usually there was enough to go around. in contrast, and though my memory is quite distorted, i imagine that the one word even the most casual observer would use is: conservatism. it wasn't just our family's political standing, our waste mangement policies, or our deep embarrassment of sex. it was our way living. if we could help it we'd go days without using anything more than a few grunts and nods to communicate. god forbid eye contact. i suppose this cause was extremely helped with us rarely leaving our rooms. if someone tried to talk to us we were usually to shocked to reply. even if we could, we were taught never to speak to strangers.

things that were not allowed:
pants with holes in them,
socks with holes in them,
food in bed ("you'll get bedbugs""But i promise i won't let them bite. Mom, please?" ...you're right, i never said that),
music,
thinking,
emotions

"we could disapear, in echoes... in the lives of those we love."

p.s.

sorry about being such a bossy betty in thursdays' post, porbably could have been a bit less crude... probably could edit it right now... but human nature will shine true, one way or another

"long live vinyl records in their second golden age... may it never end"

anybody care to explain the art of grocery shopping, it's quite overwhelming! especially with a small budget and a knack for shortsightedness (probably the latter having the most effect).

hmm, responsibility...

well, I'd say more but memory burn has forced me to retreat the wonderful world (wonderfully free world) of harry potter... long live the library and bless the little old ladies that work there.

... well, alright I have been a bit reclusive haven't I (and I keep wondering why my inbox isn't filled to the brim with glowing admiration...)

damn. no, sorry, i lost it.

"it's going to be a post rock evening"

get off the computer and go read a good book.

"will you be my secretary?"

i lost the will to fight

"I'm sorry... I can't tonight.
You understand... don't you?"

well, so... damn. Why the--- Okay, I can't even question it... anyway, I going away for the weekend, leaving friday 'morning' around twelve or so. again, for those of you waiting to hear from me..., well, I guess I'm just not a nice person am I. Had a friend of mine tell me of another former friend of mine. Supposedly this former friend asked if I still hated them. smartly my friend replied, 'well, he doesn't talk about you' or something to the like. I'd like to see this as a battle i've won, but that just my optimism in a pesimistic situation... ::sigh::

Oh, by the way. to all the naysayers. tuesday night went splendidly. I completely blew though my section at work, defying all odds, using my emotion as propellent. Tonight... well... I'm sure you've probably picked up on it.

you're just somebody that i used to know

"what you're impressed by/ I get depressed by..."

Today my fuel for getting through work is (you guessed it): depression! I think I'm going to not eat either... though that'll probably (depressingly) change once I actually get hungry. Tired of a lot of things right now (like hunger), detached from most everything (like people). These sort of things happen when you start to clean and reorganize your room. I guess it's a lot more than that. Just some basic reflexes that push everyone away so their humanity won't hurt me. ...of course I can't even be grumpy without feeling guilty about it@!

�There was no solution, but that universal solution which life gives to all questions, even the most complex and insoluble. That answer is: one must live in the needs of the day-that is, forget oneself. To forget himself in sleep was impossible now, at least till night-time; he could not go back now to the music sung by the decanter-women; so he must forget himself in the dream of daily life.� - Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

"can you think of something that talks... other than a person?"

hot dogs melting on the kitchen counter, the cats talking up a haze, as I consider the possibilities.
Are you sure I couldn't just exist and people would know that I love them?
They could call me and I would listen.
I would forget my wretched self in their troubles and tra-la-la's.
"oh, hello dad. hello mom. thought I might find you here"

I'd write but I'm too tired... too human... too trite, contrived
what do I have to offer?
Can I really be this self-demeaning when really I am (was) so inspired and joyous (!)?
"wipe that smile off you're face... get back to your post... shields up."
it is never enough

"the papers say I'm a killer; well, the papers were right"

"If Rebecca was here I would tell her that the pink Jasmine is blooming again. I would tell her that I felt afraid to ride my bike home from Daniel's house last night & didn't tell him. I wanted to be embraced and smooched & tickled and wonderfully whispered to by him but I wasn't. I held back. I couldn't relax. It was that kind of holding back that I don't even know what I'm withholding--and I just didn't know why I felt so crumbly. I pretended to be asleep so I wouldn't have to deal with that awkward silence." - Sabrina Ward Harrison, Spilling Open

...found this book on a friend of a friend's coffee table the other night. I've actually had this quote on my computer for a while, but that is neither here nor there. Anyway, I would suggest you try to find this book, and, at the very least, sit down with it for a moment or two. Two is the magic number. Twice as nice.

self-cleaning process to begin now. Involving good music, good reading material, a couple loads of laundry, some recycled food, a roomateless house, and maybe even a bit of a shave and a nice shower.

To anyone that is assuming that I hate them and will never write them back or contact them ever again: I don't and I will. Just needing some time for myself, for my sanity. I've been all over the place this week and still manage to find more things to worry about. Not tonight.

�That our affections kill us not, nor dye.� - Donne

"What child, while summer is happening, bothers to think much that summer will end? What child, when snow is on the ground, stops to remember that not long ago the ground was snowless? It is by its content rather than its quantity--happy times and sad times, the time the rabbit bit your finger, the time you had your first taste of bananas and cream, the time you were crying yourself to sleep when somebody came and lay down beside you in the dark for comfort. Childhood's time is Adam and Eve's time before they left the garden for good and from that time on divided everything into before and after. It is the time before God told them that the day would come when they would surely die with the result that from that point on they made clocks and calendars for counting their time out like money and never again lived through a day of their lives without being haunted somewhere in the depths of them by the knowledge that each day brought them closer to the end of their lives." - Frederick Buechner

"twenty; nineteen"

Read this "today" and got a bit upset, sad really. "How can something written so blandly envoke any sort of emotion in you, jonathan?" I don't know, maybe that's exactly why. Everything's just a newsclip with a twist. But when you break free from the impersonalization of the media towards life and death, it's more like you're stopping, keeping yourself from being pushed forward past everything that means anything towards, what turns out to be, an imagined something. Hence, the "mid-life crisis". I'm not meaning to condemn these people in this story. Just the story on a whole gave me pause. Sigh...

Student Dies Giving Birth in a Dorm

By Cathryn Conroy, CompuServe News Editor

Karen Marie Hubbard was only 19. She was a college freshman who had the highest grade-point average in her high school graduating class. She played basketball, softball, and the bassoon. She wanted to become a pharmacist. She was one of 10 children from a Wisconsin dairy farm family. She was Roman Catholic. And she was pregnant. She didn't want anyone to know that and hid it--very well. No one knows why she did this, but when her labor began, she went into a bathroom stall of her all-female dormitory at the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire. Although she was sprawled on the floor, other women in the dorm did nothing to help her, thinking she was ill. They just stepped over her as they came and went. Finally, a resident assistant found Hubbard, realized she wasn't breathing and had no pulse, and called the rescue squad.

Although Hubbard was pronounced dead at Eau Claire hospital Tuesday night, her infant daughter survived the ordeal. The full-term baby is in critical condition. Defending the conduct of the students, University of Wisconsin housing director Charles Major told Reuters, "None of them were aware she was pregnant. Her roommate, who was from the same hometown, she didn't know. We just wish that the girl could've cried out for help at some point in time. Maybe this could've been avoided."

Driver:"IDIOT!" Homer (also driving): "He means you Marge."

Moronic moments of the new month:

1) staying up this late.

2) being online this late.

3) writing here this late!

4) almost getting my car smashed by a dump truck, and/or towed away, at 4:15 am.

5) making the surprisingly large effort to write here this late and then realizing all I really wanted to say is that I almost lost my car by means of mind-numbing stupidity...

mind... numb...

"Vote Quimby!"